Showgirls: 15 Years Later

Uncovering one of the crappiest movies of all time

By Chris Azzopardi

I only remember tits, er, bits and pieces of "Showgirls." Some ass there, some boobs here, while watching it through non-subscriber HBO static. Little gay 12-year-old me hadn't even hit puberty, but it was already on my mind - and so (sorta) seeing Elizabeth Berkley, who happens to be a Michigan native, tantalize in this tawdry ultra-camp cult classic couldn't have been further from what I had known her as: Jessie Spano from "Saved By the Bell."

A decade-and-a-half later, I'm puberized and ready to jump in to this boob buffet (someone get me a napkin!) - recently released on DVD/Blu-ray in a special "SINsational" anniversary edition with spiffy special features. Here's what I found while motor-boating this hot mess:

Elizabeth Berkley: Mariah's acting coach? Both ladies' shift into film meant they wanted to be taken as serious actresses, so act they did. Too much, in fact. Berkley plays the ditzy stripper with the subtlety of a streaker running through Vegas (which is where she shakes her rump) ... with the world's biggest boobs; and, in "Glitter," Mariah, too, overdramatized with bug eyes and fake smiles. They're also both stiff. And their names? Nomi Malone and Billie Frank, respectively. They were obviously born to suck. One more than the other, if you get me.

Sex, seizure; tomato, tamato. Nomi can't eat ... or fuck? The jacuzzi scene where she rides actor Kyle MacLachlan like a bull has her leaning into the water and wiggling around like she overdosed on coke. The current didn't seem that strong, people.

What would Bree do? All I could think when Nomi teased Kyle's man-meat with her totally naked self (and flat ass) was how Bree, MacLachlan's wife on "Desperate Housewives," would react. Those clothes would probably suffer the same abuse, but, like, on a vigorous cycle in the washing machine. Or in a fire.

This movie's pretty gay There's the whole awkward lesbian tease going on between the chick Nomi befriends after going spastic on the woman's car and barfing in front of her (not the best first impression). And then there's the flamboyant gay clique in Nomi's show. And, of course, the whole reason to keep watching: Berkley and Gina Gershon sucking face. Berkley must've liked it; she later appeared on "The L Word."

Strippers need better table manners. So about that whole overacting thing: Not far in, some dude who hitched Nomi a ride to Vegas swipes her suitcase and she becomes so red-hot with anger that she treats her food like it's the culprit. And maybe fries are a stomach's worst enemy, but losing your shit, going from zero to pissed and tossing them in the air, won't get the luggage back. It just makes you look ridiculous. And hi-lar-ious. Later, she's much gentler with her candy ring.

There's a rape scene? As if the movie wasn't tragic enough.

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