Creep of the Week: D.J. Dolce

By D'Anne Witkowski

Did you hear the news? Just over two percent told the CDC that they're gay, lesbian or bisexual. And people are freaking out. Some people are arguing that the number is too low. After all, if we want to get technical about it, the survey really found that 2.3 percent of the people they surveyed were cool with coming out to a stranger doing a survey.

Other people might argue that the number is too high because gays could just pray the gay away if they loved Jesus enough.

And some are arguing that the number is just right and proves that LGB people have too much power and are actually insignificant and we should just stop acting like they deserve equal rights or something.

That's essentially the argument in D.J. Dolce's July 21 segment of "News! News!", World Net Daily TV's attempt at humor. The video is titled, "Huh? 'Gays' Only 2% of U.S. Population" and subtitled, "D.J. Dolce reveals why homosexuals get all the attention."

The video segment features D.J. Dolce in the foreground standing behind a microphone like a stand up comic, her image pixelated like she's just walked out of a comic strip. Her delivery is also supposed to sound off the cuff and is paired with an obviously canned laugh track just in case you didn't get the whole "this is supposed to be funny" message. And you wouldn't, because it isn't.

"Despite prior projections, the total homosexual population in the U.S. is a paltry 2%," she informs us.

She continues in mock outrage, "Two percent? But liberals told us that it was more like 15 to 20%."

For the record, the number I've most heard thrown around is the Kinsey estimate of 10%. But whatever.

She continues, "Two percent? That's like the same as Armenian Americans." Cue big laugh track as the background picture changes into what looks like children in traditional Armenian costumes dancing. Why is this funny? I do not know. Actually, I should be clear that it isn't.

"And that makes me wonder," she says, "Why aren't Armenians in the news as much as the gay community?" Her face is the face of someone trying very hard to convey humor where there is no humor, all exaggerated sass with pouty lips and a scolding finger. I have to remind myself not to feel embarrassed for her because she's doing this to herself.

She asks, "Why don't Armenians get shout-outs from every other musician when they receive awards? Why don't Armenians get billions and billions of dollars from Washington D.C. to set up Armenian appreciation centers on campuses nationwide?"

I was unaware that "I'd like to thank the gays" was a trend at music award shows, but I haven't watched the Grammys in years. And I have doubts that "billions and billions" of dollars have been funneled from D.C. to LGBT centers on college campuses. But I don't have a built in laugh track, so what do I know?

D.J. Dolce answers her own hypothetical question with the following: "Oh, I know why! Armenians are Christian, and Christians are the enemy!"

Ha ha ha? That's probably the worst punch line in history.

It is also a stupid argument.

Christians aren't the enemy and sure as hell aren't a persecuted minority in the U.S.

The fact is, this isn't a numbers game. Just because heteros outnumber gays doesn't mean it's okay to deny gays civil rights. You can't tell me that my family doesn't matter because we haven't met some make-believe significance quota. This isn't a joke; it's my life. But hey, maybe I just don't have a good sense of humor.

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