Parting Glances: On Your Scale of One-to-Forever!

BY CHARLES ALEXANDER

There are many experiences that are alien to most people: walking on the moon, winning the big bucks lottery, being gashed by a grizzly bear, doing H, weighing 400 pounds, and having implant boobs.

Because my life tends to be introspective, devoid of untoward kink -- and boob implant free -- I'm curious to know what it's like to experience the unique and unusual (as long as it doesn't ultimately involve attending 12-step co-dependency meetings).

A quick-read paperback called "Esquire Presents: What It Feels Like" (Three Rivers Press) is a collection of dozens of first-hand accounts of real life experiences, physical exceptions and trauma survivals.

After reading these fascinating and often scary anecdotes, I got to thinking about my own long-ago cliffhanger that I'd like to boast about because of its genuinely heroic content. It happened at age 13, and was life threatening. But first some "Esquire Presents: Feels Like" samplings to set the mood.

Grizzly Attack: "She grabs my left arm, tearing the muscles and tendons, and tosses me in the air. Then she attacks my head as I'm airborne. All I can see is her open mouth. Her teeth are gashing my scalp and ear. I can hear her fangs grinding on my skull. I think, the next bite will kill me."

Tornado Terror: "The feel of a twister approaching is exactly the feel of a freight train approaching -- that low, ever-louder howl and shuddering ground. I had gone through the trailer wall, been thrown 30 feet up into the tree, and then dropped to the ground, concussed and black and blue."

M-to-F Good Feel: "I can have sex and orgasm. It's functional in that way. The orgasms are different, though. The male has this orgasm and that's basically it. For a female, it's more of an on-going thing during the course of intercourse, more like a whole-body experience. As opposed to men -- men have sex like dogs." (Arf!)

Compulsive Disorder: "Washing my hair would take an hour. Washing the front of my forehead, I would scrub it 60 times; it could never be 61. If I did anything an odd number, I'd have to do it all over again, despite how tired I might feel. The pressure to do it was constant and overwhelming. Like a voice saying, 'Do not stop.' Like a locomotive out of control."

And, finally, Me As Hostage at Samhat Market, mid-city Detroit, where I often earn money delivering groceries: Two guys walk up to the counter and pretend to look at smokes. They nervously check things out. One of them pulls a gun and yells at grocer Jimmy, "Your money, fast! I'd hate to shoot the kid."

Jimmy hesitates. I'm too stunned to blink. Grocer Mose, eating in a back room, quickly tunes in. Grabs his own gun. Fires a warning shot at the ceiling. Yells Arabic and English obscenities! Ayreh Feek! Telhas Teeze! You...!

And I quickly duck behind a stack of Maxwell House coffee cans. The crooks scatter.

Cops arrive. I give details, and later toss and turn at night. "No!" I tell anybody who'll listen, Burton School Elementary teachers and buddies. "I wasn't a bit scared, just slightly deaf in one ear."

Oh, yes! Those damn Esquire Boobs: "My implants aren't hard. They don't feel like basketballs. It's more like water balloons that aren't completely full. When you touch them you can feel the liquid inside, too, which I guess is weird."

You can't prove it by me, Cinderella. (The holdup also left my fingers perpetually heterosexually numb.)

One more Possible Terror 2016. Just to gauge your own on-a-scale-of-one-to-forever response. Headline! Donald Trump elected in a landslide! VP Sarah Palin, middle-fingers media! God only knows...

Charles@pridesource.com
  • Latest News

Enter To Win

Enter contests to win great prizes like CDs, DVDs, concert tickets and more

Special Section: Automotive
Former Chrysler Executive Talks Workplace Inclusivity

As an openly gay man, Fred Hoffman said, "I really didn't know if there would be an issue." And while he wasn't waving rainbow flags when he was recruited by Chrysler in 1988, he was told being gay wasn't a problem.

View More Automotive
This Week's Issue

Download or view this week's print issue today!